


And Substitute My Own

by greenlily



Category: Good Eats
Genre: Gen, Science Fiction, Time Travel, espionage thriller, obvious crossover is obvious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-14
Updated: 2011-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:51:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenlily/pseuds/greenlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Honestly, Jamie, the man used a <b>potato</b> for an example.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Substitute My Own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fandomonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomonymous/gifts).



******RESTRICTED ACCESS*******

This report is restricted to operatives of K, S, Q and C Divisions, at levels 2-A4 and above. Access by unauthorized personnel is a violation of Directive 9146-G and is punishable by any or all sanctions listed under Section 32 of the Agency Handbook.

 _In other words, get lost. Yes, Grant, this includes you. -VW_

 ******RESTRICTED ACCESS******

 **Report ID:** E1999USGA/VW362/1.0  
 **Division:** C  
 **Mission Type:** EXP (primary contact/civilian)  
 **Mission End State:** Special/not known, see below

 **Mission Overview:** S Division has identified person of interest in multiple time branches. Ordinarily, branches of this type diverge from a specific event. In this case, S Division has been unable to pinpoint the event, but has determined that the person of interest (coded AB) is a known public figure in all related branches. Agent from C Division is assigned to make contact with AB prior to formation of branches and report back.

 **Additional Notes-Mission Overview:** Probable permanent station for Agency operative. Mission includes evaluation by C Division agent of whether situation warrants operative from C or S Divisions. Q Division operative unlikely.

 **Additional Notes-Mission Overview:** Agent is authorized to demonstrate knowledge of all subjects contained in Sections 3-8 of S Division records. Subjects contained in Sections 1-2 will be assumed by AB and all contemps. Under advice from S Division, supported by instruction from K Division, Agent is also authorized to use own judgment to adapt cover identity and brief AB.

 _ **Additional Notes-Mission Overview:** S Division's study of contemporaneous media has led them to advise that agent brief AB and secure his cooperation. I disagree. -JH_

 

 **Mission Activity Report** : Agent arrived successfully and reported to local/contemp Agency office. Agent received aid and support as requested from operatives at local/contemp Agency office. Agent made contact with AB. [Transcripts follow.] Agent returned successfully to Head Office. See additional notes.

 **Transcript**

Date: September 8, 1999  
Time: 8:32 P.M. GMT (3:32 Local/Contemporaneous Time)  
Location: "Bed, Bath and Beyond" (note: retail/domestic/civilian), Marietta, GA, Earth  
Additional Location: Aisle 3

(AB enters building via front entrance. AB makes brief contact with security operative near front entrance, commerce operatives at purchase stations, and elderly woman evaluating available models of electric coffeemaker. All contacts appear to be neutral-to-friendly, with the exception of the elderly woman's domestic canine companion, which is unequivocally hostile.)

(Future operatives please note: AB is a Caucasian male in his mid-thirties, roughly 1.8 meters in height. His hair is thinning and he wears corrective lenses.)

(AB approaches agent. Agent has assumed identity of employee of "Bed, Bath and Beyond". Employees are required to wear identification badges. Purpose of ID badges is unclear, as they contain no biometric elements or other form of identification apart from first name and final initial. Local office has provided agent with cover identity of 'Vickie Wong', thus ID badge reads 'Vickie W' in extremely bright green letters. Significance of bright green is also unclear.)

AB: Excuse me, do you work here?

Agent: Yes. I have an identification badge. (Indicates badge.)

AB: I see that. Well, 'Vickie W', I'm hoping you can help me out today.

Agent: Of course. What assistance do you require?

AB: Well, there's the thing. I'm not entirely sure.

Agent: Explain.

AB: All right, since you asked so nicely. I'm a, well, do you remember Mr. Wizard?

Agent: There are no such things as wizards. It's been proven.

AB: *places hand over face* All right, how about Bill Nye the Science Guy?

Agent: ...

AB: Not him either, huh?

Agent: No, no, I've heard of him. Are you saying that you are also a...Science Guy?

AB: Kind of. Only, instead of, I don't know, building volcanoes in my garage or something, what I do is tell people about the science of the food they're eating.

Agent: Hmmm. I'm not sure I follow you. If it has science in it, should they really be eating it?

AB: That's the _point_. We have to eat _because_ of science. From the moment a, a potato starts to grow, to when it gets dug up, to when someone cooks it and eats it, to what happens in the person's body as they digest it, everything that happens to it is science.

Agent: Potato.

AB: Well, yes, of course that's a very simple example. My point is, I'm about to spend pretty much all of my time telling people about science and food. And one thing they're going to need to know about is what equipment they should use when they're cooking.

Agent: I see. So you're here to look at cooking equipment?

AB: Yep. Precisely. And maybe to get some advice from time to time. I can always use an expert opinion.

Agent: Well, I'm not what you'd call an expert. But I suppose I'm sort of a specialist.

AB: That'll do it. You planning to stick around for a while?

Agent: I'll have to check with my supervisor, but I suspect the answer's yes.

AB: Well, then, 'Vickie W', cooking equipment specialist, I guess I'll be seeing you.

(AB exits, making contact with same security operative. Possible security op is AB's contact for local operation?)

>>END TRANSCRIPT

 **Agent's Notes-Mission Activity Report:** Agent recommends permanent assignment of C Division agent to monitor contacts and actions of AB.

Signed, Victory W-362

 ** _Agent’s Notes-Supplementary_** : _I assume you’ve spotted it. You’re not misreading it, and you’re welcome to check my playback yourself. The only question is whether it was deliberate or not. If it weren’t for that, I’d think S Division were climbing entirely the wrong ladder on this one. Honestly, Jamie, the man used a **potato** for an example. He can’t possibly be our man._

 _Regarding the other matter we were discussing, I’ve given it some consideration and you’re entirely right. I hate to lose Grant, but he’s ready to take on something more challenging than maintenance on W-series agents. If you still want him for the San Francisco mission, he’s all yours. Better take Kari, too, and I hear Q Division’s looking to reassign Belleci. Apparently he keeps setting himself on fire._

 _One further positive development to report from the Georgia mission is that there’s a noticeable improvement in the linguistic mirror. See the transcript for confirmation: my speech patterns matched to AB’s after only minimal dialogue. However, I suspect I still need some more entries in my personality matrix. I’ll check in with S Division and see what they can recommend in terms of contemp media._

 _Now, don’t give me that look, not everything S postulates is complete nonsense. AB invoked the name of the SG, after all, even if he didn’t say anything else useful, and that means he needs monitoring._

 _And I’m still not sure that we **shouldn’t** brief him. He might be more cooperative if he knows what it is we’re trying to avert. The sooner S Division can get more details, the better. In the meantime, someone should keep an eye on him._

 _I’ll tell you, though, I feel sorry for whoever gets **that** assignment._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to missiondoll for the super-quick beta!


End file.
